The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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