Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
