my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
