Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
