People in love make me want to vomit
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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