you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
