he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
