My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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