I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
