I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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