it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
