You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
