allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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