my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
