Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
