On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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