the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm too high and old for this...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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