Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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