I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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