two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You were trust falling into bushes
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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