Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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