got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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