he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
