1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
