so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
