we're chasing vodka with high fives
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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