Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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