So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
