Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
