So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
