I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
