Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
