Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
