I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
