LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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