two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
