I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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