Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
