Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So many bounce houses so little time
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
