i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
