Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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