Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
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