She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
