I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
