Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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