I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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