Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
