I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm getting married
To pizza
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
