life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Panties = found
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