my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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