Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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