I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
