the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
