i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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