I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
