Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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